OZ Is Short For Australia?

And why?
Due to the way the country is sometimes pronounced?
Or is there more?...

I have discovered from reading up on many of today's hidden and shameful histories that they actually nicknamed the country OZ because of the droves upon droves of unruly Munchkins shipped there in the mid 1940s and later Ooompa Loompas in the early 1970's. Both were due to Hollywood labor strikes for incredibly poor wages and having completely no access to the best and most thrilling rides at carnivals and fairs.


*The following has been quoted from the Australian weekly publication "The Boomerang Beacon"

"At this time Australia was still struggling with its own convict and strife oriented background, so they quietly, without public knowledge, set up the Lollipop Kids Penal Colony on the very rocks of the Great Barrier Reef. It was later renamed The Brick Road Brats & Wonka Riff-Raff Refuge to include the rising number of Ooompas, who were being constantly looked down upon by the Good Witches favorites and were jeeringly called The Chocolate Charlie Castoffs. They mostly ignored this moniker and calmly referred back to them as 'Those fuckin' Munchkins.'

To this day if you dive, attempt to swim or boat past the area you can still hear the eerie ghostly words of the distraught dying munchkins 'Follow us to the yellow brick road...follow us to the yellow brick road...dippity-doo…'

At last count over 97 boats and jet skis have crashed into those reefs with zero survivors. All following the tiny squeaky voiced siren song of an over the rainbow candy filled paradise.
Those lost souls went looking for magic and an everlasting gobstopper and found only a mundane everlasting death.”


Well, no matter what, OZ short for Australia makes way more sense than lb. being short for pound.
Of course that's just one of the wacky fun ways of working with the empirical system.

Aaaaaarggghhh!!!!!

Frustrating afternoon into evening on this fine Wednesday...if I attempt to go into any detail I just may get annoyed enough again and run outside and throw myself in front of a bus...or slow moving lawnmower...or roll in a few pounds of meat and challenge the neighborhood pitbull to best of two falls out of three...aaaaaarggghhh!!!!!

Around The Watercooler

So I was talking to Johnson from marketing next to the watercooler about the recent decrease in company output. He took this time to remind me that he is only a figment of my imagination with no real control concerning my overall productivity.
And then went on to add that three dixie cups and half a pitcher of Orange knockoff Kool-Aid does not a watercooler make.
Low blow Johnson, low blow. I sure hope I draw your name for secret santa next Christmas cause you're getting squat.
Or a box of bent paperclips if I end up being just slightly generous...and if nobody happens to be closely monitoring the supply closet.
I think he's just harboring ill feelings since I'm always swiping his parking space. And that I slept with his wife. Either or...
Well anyway, off to the onsite reading room to continue my risky romance with the office slut, Rosy Palm.

Tat To The Too Part Two.

So, neighbor girl came back with a flower tattoo around the ankle. I looked at it once and probably never will again. Unlike if it would've been an ass tat. She would had to have had a hand odometer to keep track of all my viewing, but oh well. Oh dim-damn well...

This did make me think more on my future tattooing possibilities though.
I'm definitely going to get muscle and chest hair tattoos...but I'm just not sure where I'm putting them yet...

An ex-girlfriend of mine had a 'W' tattooed on the upper part of each thigh, so when she raised her arms very high, while wearing a dress, it said "Wow" and while doing a handstand it said "Mom" and then when doing cartwheels it said "Wow mom wow."
Her mother was never impressed with this action and so she had largely tattooed across her chest "Not Mine" and when ever her daughter would perform her stunt the mom would point at her and raise her shirt with the "Not mine" slogan for all to see, but this just mostly lead to the belief that the mother had chest implants.

All this tat talk also reminds me of a friend who has a tattoo that he keeps in his basement...used to let him out in the backyard on a runner, but he kept shouting at airplanes.

The Quiz Thief Strikes Again...

This is another one of them quiz type dillybobs (and once again swiped from this kinda cool girl who lives way too far away to come over and do anything about it. Verbal email abuse from afar I can delete, but a smack upside the head just plain hurts.)

Anyway, I thought this was an interesting way to do one of these

Go to the music player of your choice and put it on shuffle.
Say the following questions aloud and press play.
Use the song titles as your answers. NO CHEATING!

How does the world see me?
Song: Riot
Artist: Honeyslide
Comments: Be that meaning I'm sort of funny or that I can incite others into violence.

Will I have a happy life?
Song: As You Are Right
Artist: Geoff Farina
Comments: Guess that means it is right that I will...that's the way I'm taking that anyway. =)

What do my friends really think of me?
Song: Rolling Thunder #2
Artist: Ride
Comments: Like I come through the same way a storm does, I'm electric or that I have bad gas?

Do people secretly lust after me?
Song: Lament
Artist: School of Fish
Comments: Well, I guess that means no...

How can I make myself happy?
Song: Unfaithful
Artist: The Wonder Stuff
Comments: I have to cheat and lie? Guess I better get started...again...

What should I do with my life?
Song: I Really Can't Say
Artist: Kathy Korniloff
Comments: Now that was just perfect.

Why should life be full of so much pain?
Song: Pink Moon
Artist: Nick Drake
Comments: Either I can blame it on the color of an object in the sky or about being lonely.

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Song: Blackbird
Artist: G.Love & Special Sauce
Comments: I've thought of just a single feather sure, but the whole bird?

Will I ever have children?
Song: These Days
Artist: Fountains Of Wayne
Comments: Song is about missing chances and past regrets, but also about not risking what you have with the one you are with, so that could almost go either way...depending on who I end up with I guess.

Will I die happy?
Song: Head
Artist: Lotion
Comments: Does that imply happiness is all in the head or that I died in my head already...something teachers were always saying to me.

What is some good advice for me?
Song: Formanka
Artist: 18 Wheeler
Comments: That I need to shape and mold myself or move to the Czech Republic? Hmmm...

What is happiness?
Song: Wish You Were Here
Artist: Catherine Wheel
Comments: Well, concerning what is going on in my life currently, this is actually quite accurate...disturbingly so...

What is my favourite fetish?
Song: Windsor Park
Artist: Arnold
Comments: So, I like doing things in a park in England I've never been to? Or maybe I need to go there and find out?

How will I be remembered?
Song: I Don't Want To Talk About It
Artist: The Llama Farmers
Comments: Being overly emotional to who I care about? Or breaking hearts. The first if either...

Tat To The Too...

A friend of mine was talking about getting a tattoo for her birthday, which is now much easier to do around these parts. She asked me if I had one and if so was it hard to get. And if I had any thoughts on what to choose.

This is always a difficult thing to explain for me as I have a full body tattoo done in exacting detail of myself and I sometimes get complaints about it from tattoo artists due to what they call sloppy work.
I would rather have tattooed my nerve, but like usual it wasn't around when I needed it.

Anyway, I told her to just pick something she might figure on enjoying still when she got older. And maybe try to steer clear of the flames on the forehead, eyeballs on the cheeks or cryptic wraparound messages along the neck from languages nobody actually knows what the hell they say except from some random Nepal dude who translates it out to "Insert dong here."

And stay away from phase tattoos. I mean how's that Beyonce riding a bengal tiger with a flaming sword or Timberlake snapping a whip at your tit tatt going to look in a few years?

I suggested she just stick with the butterfly above the ass or flower on the ankle and she should be safe...I hope she comes back with something above the ass cause she's very cute and I've got poor vision...as far as she knows anyway...darnit...I should've tricked her into getting a braille butterfly above the ass tattoo. Ding! Dang!! Darn!!!

Big Ass Bunch of Questions (that I totally swiped from some girl...shhhhh, don't tell her)

What's your middle name?:	Clay
How big is your bed?:	Big enough for visitors...well, actually that's never really come up.
What are you listening to right now?:	Hopewell
What are the last 4 digits in your cellphone number?:	7072
What was the last thing you ate?:	A healthy hot link.
Last person you hugged?:	My mom...man is that ever sad...
How is the weather right now?:	Friggin' windy, chilly and wet.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?:	A neighbor actually. Had to check cause I so thought it was my dad.
What is the first thing u notice in the opposite sex?:	Personality. (unchanged #1)
Favorite type of Food. :	BBQ.
Do you want children?:	I want them to quit tearing up my porch stuff, that's what I want.
Do you drink?:	Only if I've already had one...that's right...
Ever get so drunk you don’t remember the entire night?:	Oh good lord yes. Hence the reason I lived a year in a town I never knew the name of.
Hair color?:	Salt and pepper...saaaalt and pepper...
Eye colour?:	Blue. (unchanged #2)
Do you wear contacts/glasses?:	Yes, but I'm currently under a consultation program to increase my glasses wearing efficiency.
Favorite holiday?:	The one with the chocolate...oh and the other one with chocolate.
Favorite Season?:	Autumn (unchanged #3)
Have you ever cried over a girl/boy?:	Yes (unchanged #4 - please don't charge me unknown girl)
Last Movie you Watched?:	Deja Vu
What books are you reading?:	“Magic's Silken Snare”, “Underwater Wonders of the National Parks”, "Danish For Travellers" and "The Big Bento Book of Unuseless Japanese Inventions"
Piercings?:	Nope...but I've "pierced" others.
Favorite Movie?:	Not of all time, but currently would be Borat.
Favorite college football Team?:	Oklahoma State University...I am after all a local.
What were you doing before filling this out?:	Talking to this way cool girly girl. (she'll never read this, so I can totally say that)
Any pets?:	Not right now.
Dogs or cats?:	What the hell did I just say?
Favorite Flower?:	Cardinal Flower. It's pretty and attracts hummingbirds.
Have you ever loved someone?:	Too much and not enough.
Who would you like to see right now?:	All my grandparents actually.
Have you ever fired a gun?:	Only at those who deserved it.
Do you like to travel by plane?:	Only while drunk.
Right-handed or Left-handed?:	Right, my left mostly just laughs at me.
If you could go to any place right now where would you go?:	Amsterdam.
Are you missing someone?:	Not with a gun I'll tell you that much!
Do you have a tattoo?:	No. Just haven't come across one I want.
Do you still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings?:	No, but I rewatch the ones I used to catch.
Are you hiding something from someone?:	Not really, but mostly cause they haven't realized it's missing yet.
ARE YOU 18?:	Doubled and then some!
WHAT IS THE WALLPAPER ON YOUR CELLPHONE?:	A former Tonkinese kitty of mine.
DID YOU GET ENOUGH SLEEP LAST NIGHT?:	No, but I now know who swiped it from me.
FIRST THING YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MORNING?:	This girl I know.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE HANDY AT YOUR BEDSIDE?:	Cell phone, water and a book...and my c-pap.
GRILLED OR FRIED?:	Grilled (unchanged #5)
WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE?:	My tongue hair.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?:	The movie? Not at all, it is just a movie.
FAVORITE HANGOUT?:	Anywhere but here.
3 THINGS YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT?:	Me, myself and I.
FAVORITE SONG?:	I couldn't even begin to sort that one out.
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?:	Not being able to stalk someone.
ARE YOU A GIVER OR TAKER?:	Yes.
WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?:	Duff, and then a few that friends will never reveal to me when I've walked by and they giggle after one is mentioned...got a pretty good idea though...
WHAT IS YOUR DADS MIDDLE NAME?:	Lee
WHATS YOUR MOTHERS MIDDLE NAME?:	Gayle (what is this thing a starter kit for identity theft?)
STUCK ON A DESERTED ISLAND & COULD TAKE ONE THING?:	A Jetski.
FAVORITE T.V. COMMERCIAL?:	I'm mostly annoyed by them all that I can't even focus on one I've actually liked.
WHO’S YOUR CELL PHONE PROVIDER?:	Me.
FIRST THING YOU’LL SAVE IN A FIRE?:	Again, me.
Whats your favorite color?:	Purple and orange...but so not combined
WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU ALWAYS TAKE WITH YOU?:	Notebook, reading book and food.
WHAT DID YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?:	Teacher of some sort or the ruler of some small island.
WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO WHEN THE CLOCK TURNS 11:11?:	Wonder why in the world I'm staring at a stupid clock.
THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDSHEEt?:	White with blue flowers...that's right...white.

Lower Your Hands and Get Steppin'...

While basking in the glory of satellite HDTV enhanced television at my parents recently I caught an old bit about the local Fourth of July festivities, which as you know is the holiday that celebrates our country's struggle and subsequent victory against the British Empire for the right to brush our teeth with a cleansing agent and bristles instead of pieces of gravel on a stick. I'm only adding that bit of history because you wouldn't believe how many kids got it wrong that they were interviewing on the news. Freedom from the government and unfair taxation indeed. Like we would have those problems today if we had fought a bloody revolution to be rid of them. Stupid ass kids.

Anyway, I also caught the last tidbit of a cooking show featuring an interview with a street mime showcasing his favorite vegetarian dishes.
Like myself, not many people care for a street mime and especially a tofu eating one.

So, here's a special secret; you can still totally punch 'em through that "box" they always seemed to be trapped inside. Believe me, no matter what kind of crap ass day you've had, it'll all be better after that...and you're completely protected by the law.

Article IV Section 2.1 concerning oral matters of International Mime Law, in accordance with the Mime-Streetwalker Treaty of '32 and The Beat Mimes Senseless Acts of New York clearly states:
"Any Mime caught digesting real food, or beverages, or partaking in any noticeable oral pleasures such as candy, cigarettes or very large gulps of air shall be shot on the spot and refused burial."

Due to a clever mime loophole, too many of 'em were getting away with clear and flagrant violations, so this was later added in Section 2.3 during The Die Mimes Die U.N. conference:

"Any Mime subject for shooting shall be shot by an actual gun, not by another Mime simply pointing his finger and mouthing the word 'bang'"

I guess what I'm trying to say to everyone out there is start packing heat, cause we've all got a responsibility to keep these rouge mimes in line...and if you wing one that is actually just play smoking, well that's alright as well, cause who's going to represent a dead mime?

Me Want Toy Bad...Much Like.

This is good ole Dr. Zoidberg from the fantastic animated show Futurama.
Well, it is actually his Universe 1 doppelganger. As regular Zoidy is of course lobster red.
Red meets blue when red travels through Professor Farnsworth's Parabox and crazy shenanigans ensue.

CSI: Oklahoma

With all the super mega crime busting machines and other equipment used today I would hate to be involved in any type of crime and especially to have my house as just an innocent location named as a crime scene.

I mean with everything they can detect and every little tiny fact or detail they can find, it could prove embarrassing or even incriminating to you without you ever being involved in the current crime or even any other.

I can just imagine if the same type of equipment, labs and investigatory methods were available 20-25 years ago and a batch of those CSI fellers were looking into a possum murder / raccoon suicide in the bathroom at my parent's farm and what they might have come up with.

My parents - "Officers, were you able to find any clues?"

1st CSI - "Yes sir, but there were a few other things; your son seems to be a healthy masturbator who just has an established bad aim which we were able to determine from the erratic splatter patterns along the walls, ceiling, mirror, cabinets and outside area of the shower curtain."

2nd CSI - "Yes, he seems to jack off like a blind one armed monkey with the shakes riding on a tractor. He's nailed everything in here but the toilet. You should also tell him to stop standing on the sink and dragging his balls across the combs and toothbrushes."

1st CSI - "We certainly wouldn't want him to slip or fall."

2nd CSI - "And putting Bounce sheets up his ass while he makes hand mustard wouldn't be so bad, just as long as he stops trying to sneak them back into the box after finishing."

1st CSI - "We've heard the new craze of 'Bounce Bopping" that's been happening in the bigger cities, but it doesn't actually improve ejaculation. It might give his farts a fresher scent, but that's about it. Plus we've already heard of at least a dozen cases of Bounce induced rectal rash that were all ass-fatal"

2nd CSI - "Oh, and the raccoon raped the possum before killing himself, but then the possum was again molested by a rouge gang of squirrels who then killed the possum upon finding out that it was a male."

1st CSI - "And we think your son was watching from the shower, but there wasn't sufficient evidence as he may have felt threatened by the squirrels and didn't finish or just shot it out the window. I would suggest burning this entire bathroom and starting over."

It's Called A Nap Right?

When you're sitting in the living room recliner and kind of fade out for about 10-15 minutes, come to with your pants pooled around your feet, shirt bunched around one arm, underwear on your head, the front door slightly ajar and peanut butter all over your face is just basically a nap right...right??

Espresso Shop Shuts Down.

Yeah, so this local espresso and book shop just shut down due to lack of interest...
Well DUH!!
Keep in mind I am in the middle of Oklahoma and there are way too many meth labs around here for the locals to need any week ass frou-frou coffee.

Which is funny cause none of these dudes passed any Chemistry courses or even General Science in high school.
Yet at any given moment they can break down a meth lab and reassemble it in the back of a moving pickup and have it cooked and ready using only lighter fluid, battery acid, matchsticks, hot dogs, baby teeth, finger nail polish remover, finger nail polish, finger nails and monkey urine.
Guess it's just all about your priorities.

Money Press...

This is the conversation I was discussing in the previous blog that took place with my neighbor.

Him - "Can I borrow a few bucks?"

Me - "What in the world for?"

Him - "I want to go rent a movie."

Me - "What makes you think I can afford that if you can't? Do you think I'm over here eating a daily load of copper, paper and washing it down with a jug of green ink? Then pressing out fivers and pennies with my very well hidden Lincoln sphincter tattoo?"

Him (crinkling his head in apparent confusion) - "I was just asking. You sure you don't have any change at least?"

Me - " Are you serious? You know it just seems sometimes when you try to form a thought it's about the equivalent of a small clutch of blind toothless squirrels fighting over a fossilized peanut up there."

Him - "You could just say no. you don't have to be so sarcastic."

Me - "No...jackass."

At that point if I owned a tazer I think I just might have used it. I'm sure it wouldn't have been his first time for it in any event.

Sarcasm Society

I was just told mere moments ago that I was too sarcastic, of course this was from one of my intellectually challenged neighbors who think reading a book without pictures is radical free thinking anarchy.
But this made me think about it and I realized I haven't paid my dues in like forever.
I'm probably not even a member of Sarcastic Whipping Boy Union Local 182; a court enforced supporter of Slim's Sludge, Sluice & Sewage Service (recycling waste for personal profit) and Cassie's Cakes, Cookies and Crackers (a subsidiary of Slim's Sludge, Sluice & Sewage Service.)

Well, I have them to thank for reminding me of such a horrible transgression and my check, like their Mensa application, is in the mail!

Shamrocks and Shalalies.

If it just so happens, like totally hypothetically, you know you hear about it on the playground or in a bar and not that I would really have knowledge of any of this mythological kind of thing, but if say a friend finds a, well let's call it a rainbow and gets slightly perturbed at a cobwebbed filled kettle, cause honestly screw those weird ass Skittles, well let him know it's best to wrap it in foil before you toil. You know cover the stump before you hump. And not flop a green clad shorty over a tree's gravemarker before he ensues to show his love of the Irish. Besides being notorious drunks, troublemakers and gold hoarding dicks those little crotch disease packing bastards have been known unicorn rapists for centuries. Granted they do have to put each other up to it every time. Let's just say a fine fitted helmet on the soldier will save you, ow, from, aieee, several days of, ouch, weird and, ohhhh, life altering pain.
Admitting nothing I can only add that I am now one hundred percent sure of the real reason why a unicorns horn drops off and it sure isn't for dressy demons or trade on the ivory market.
That is of course if I believed in, ouch, any of that stuff. Especially the Skittles being eaten part.

Harder Than You Think (And That's Not A Double-Take Pun...)

Not that I've been trying to land a marital contract with a dowry in excess of one shorn sheep and a steady supply of thatch, but meeting a special someone without that for even just the cuddly kind of hanging out nicety has become quite a difficult deal these days.

And I'm actually way more appealing since the Pectoral Implants and successful laser removal of all those extra fingers and tongue hair.

I've just got so much happy joy love to give, but like the world's nuclear waste and surplus AOL sign-up disks no one wants any of the above.

It's Friday!

Happy Friday or Day of the Fries.
Named as such to honor Finnius French, The Lord of the Fries.
Who would set his enemies decapitated heads upon skewers, stuff the ears and mouth with potatoes and the nose with potato slivers once a week.
The starving town peasants would sometimes sneak up at night and remove the slivers for their weekly dinner, which would have to be heavily salted to remove that tangy decaying head taste.
Upon being asked what they were doing that evening, each would say:
"Going to get some of French's Fries."
Hence our love today of heavily salted potato slivers adoringly called "French Fries"
And ketchup was later added to give a realistic "freshly removed from a bloody head" look.

Conversations...

I just got off from having a quick sniperesque phone call with a friend who was checking on me...

Confab as follows:

Friend - "Jeff?"

me - "Yes?"

friend - "Man, I heard you had some recent weird medical news. I had a few seconds and wanted to ask if you were doing alright."

me - "Well, I'm not exactly eating gumdrops and shitting butterflies, so meh. But thanks for asking."

friend - "Well, ok cool"

me - "Your overwhelming concern is being added to my ledger as we speak."

friend - "Uhmm...alright. Talk to you soon"

me - "Sure, don't let the dial tone smack you in the ass on the way out."

------

I maybe should have said thanks with slightly more enthusiasm, but that few seconds statement thing is about the equivalent of calling someone one block before driving into a tunnel.

Ahhhh...Work...

So after my being off for almost two and half weeks, I finally got the call today to go in and do a design or three at the t-shirt shop I'm currently employed with.
I was just ecstatic! Work finally! Yahoowee!!
So an hour later and I'm done with all they had for me currently...wah-wah-waaahh!
Either I worked too fast or the designs were absurdly easy, maybe both.
Time to find another wage supplying job. The local record/book store possibly? Back to panhandling for cans of creamed corn on the highway? Or even selling my seldom used organs to back alley hospitals?
All the above?
Only time and the dwindling funds hidden betwixt my mattresses will tell...

It's Thurday!

Happy Taint Day!
Cause it taint the weekend and it taint hump day, but it's right in the middle.

Have a Humpy Happ Day...

And remember it's not how many humpys you happ, but whether or not you managed to plarkie over the lupst spot and that you didn't have to pay for any corkiliene.

Just a few pictures of the plant sprayer my parents gifted to me that is from the sixties and was one the first items they bought after being married and moving into their first apartment.
I just think it's way cool and always enjoyed it as a kid and even more so now that I'm an older, bigger kid.

A Whiter Shade of Trash...

Being partly that I'm in the middle of Okieville and also because of my prolific neighbors, I sure wish a strain of any birth control would be added to the local water supply...
At least if only to stem the the constant reproduction of the Albino Rednecked Marmoset in its encircled tin-shelled many wheeled breeding bins. Whose numbers only seem to dwindle due to such worthy and admirable trailer park predators as tornadoes, over zealous Meth cooks and Bush's war mongering foreign policy.
This is definitely something I would vote AND campaign for in hopes of some type of new amendment...well, a fella can dream can't he?

The skinny side of the rainbow

Have you ever finally made it to the end of the damn rainbow only to find someone had already pocketed the gold, eaten all the friggin' Skittles and cornholed the leprechaun? If you answered yes to the first two then up yours for beating me. If it was yes to all three, then I guess you were third.

Blog Post Mach II

This is a follow up blog post...just trying to keep the freshness flowing...

Blog post

This is my blog post...hopefully it wasn't too wordy...