Office Tips

Here's ten easy steps to fast track your rise to the top of the corporate ladder.

WARNING: Not for sensitive natured types or the faint of heart.
Due to the use of such uncouth words as custard, plastic and bathroom.

10. In the next meeting fill you boxers with mayonnaise, then drop your pants
and rub your crotch on the guy's head next to you all the while screaming at
the top of your lungs "I'm fucking this dude in the ass and cumming like a buffalo."

9. Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if
they don't, and then punch them in the mouth.

8. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives
you the sympathy remarks... tell everyone how you're just kidding...
then tell them that they are all a bunch of queers.

7. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard - then during the
meeting, put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up a
big loogie - then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it
to the person next to you and say "beat that!".

6. Inform a male coworker that he "wouldn't make a good hooker", then
piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good "ass fucking".

5. Always walk around with a big smile and keep one hand down the front
of your pants, moaning out loud every few seconds.

4. Answer every question asked of you with "fuck if I know!" then call
the person an ethnic slur that doesn't even match their race.

3. Run down the hall with your dick out while urinating all over and yell,
"It won't stop! God help me! It won't stop!" Then when it stops...look down
and say... "Oh!"

2. Ask to borrow someone's pen - bring it to the bathroom - stick it in your
butt - return it and tell the person to smell it. When they tell you that
it smells bad, say, "It should! I had it in my butt!"

1. Shit on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it,
tell them it's the fake plastic kind - when they try to pick it up, and
realize that their hand is full of shit, laugh and point at them.

Raises, dinner invites and kudos galore will follow if you stick with this easy plan.