Hand Over Fist

Can't quite remember what banal illegality item from TV I had heard set this in motion earlier...

Wait till they make masturbation illegal for men by deeming it a form of early abortion.
If they thought they had trouble enforcing laws already on the books, try it with that one.
They would have cameras put everywhere or even install scrotum chips, cause all a fella really needs is a napkin and quite corner or an empty Snapple jar while driving down the highway, around the neighborhood or in any friend's driveway.
You could imagine the chip just ticketing you like when you run or speed through an intersection and after the camera snaps a shot of it you get a speeding ticket in the mail.
'Cept this one would read like an errands list.

"You are formally charged with reckless endangerment and spermicide for the month of June at the following locations:"
Stoplight of 5th and main
Local Park
Stoplight of 5th and main
Sears parking lot
Stoplight of 5th and main
Home bathroom (shower stall)
Stoplight of 5th and main
Bosses office
Stoplight of 5th and main

And you wouldn't even be able to defend yourself by adding that your boss is hot, the shower is the shower and there just happens to be a friggin' Victoria's Secret billboard at 4th and main.