The following exchange is betwixt myself and a friend from Austin when he recently contacted me out of the blue...
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1) Him:
Jeff,
Where the heck you been bro?
Someone said you're not living in Austin anymore. WTF?
Let me know what's the haps guy.

Later,
Rusty

2) Me:
Rusty!! The man the myth the frosted flake!!
Haven't checked my email for quite some time until yesterday and look at what kind of sparkly gem I found...but is it a ruby or a rube?
Awesome to hear from you, especially now that I am marooned in the vast polar salt flats of Oklahoma.
It's all a whiter shade of trash and a redder shade of neck around here my friend.
Just answering back at least so you know this wasn't a dead connection...the answerer may qualify for brain dead most times, but the actual interthingy doohickey with the e-whatsit thingamabob is firing a-ok into my computation porn picture holder dilly type device.
Feel free to send a hyper cable transit mail message across the webgate anytime.

Later tater,
Jeffy

3) Him:
You are crackin me up bro. Hey where the heck ya been ya stud?! It's good
to hear from you.
What the heck are you doing in OK? Not that there's anything wrong with
that but hey, aint nuttin wrong with Austin.

4) Me:

Nuthin' at all but the crazy ass apt. rent gougers.
The now ex and I were in the middle of restructuring the main office and in a hinky middle management debacle that had Enron Mach II written all over it when some things ended up not being couple compliant.
Oh, hey I just checked a dictionary and it says that all of the above means simply a divorce.
Poopers, I knew there was like 1-2 words for it.
It's way mutual and mainly being done at this juncture so we can still keep our 20 year long friendship intact and not try to go another few more years and one or both of us do something we would later regret and have to deny or plea bargain in a court of law.
We both care a whole lot for each other and talk better now after 11 1/2 months of separation. And also a bit smarter on how we would've ruined each other in very bad ways if that silly marriage would've went on...and on...and ahhhhhhhhhh.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still way sad and broken up that there wasn't a way for us to have kept it together in any Elmers groove kind of style.
Oh and back to the gouging groove, I was going to stay there for the medical facilities in the least, but something like a 500 sq. foot efficiency apartment next to crack barrio was running $725 to $900. And on the 3rd snappin'-my-arthritic-shins damn floor.
I have a newly remodeled apt. here with a very large living room, kitchen, two 450 square foot each bedrooms, of which the master has a large walk in closet you could park a motorcycle with a sidecar.
I do have to go across the street and take my daily grasp'n'grunt in the Baptist parking lot. And if I time it just right while they run out front to clean up Satan's Sin Sticks I can sneak in the back door and take a quick lemonade leak in the holy water.
They do have a full bathroom, but who the fuck wants to shit where a Baptist has gone? Yeccchhhhh!
I actually have a shower and all the other standard up to code functioning doody and tinkee holding equipment. But I still prefer to do it the other way. And let me tell ya', you've never nature wiped yer arse until you've used the silky smooth word of God. NEVER EVER use a hymnal. Like a damn catalog made from ruck sacks, old car batteries and lemon rinds. It's been 3 months since that goof and I'm still farting out Jesus Loves Me This I Know lyrics every few days.
Well there's some serious stuff about me as well as some seriously disturbing stuff all in a happy union of verbal vomit.

Here's something you may not want, need or ever care to let anyone know was ever in your line of sight at any given second of your life.

Jeff Turner
(withheld address info)

And go ahead and pop your probably soon to be governmentally discontinued postal snail mail on over!!!

5) Him:
bro i needed to bust a gut. that's funny stuff. but now i'm sorry to hear
about the divorce thing.
well personally i think tammy wynette said it best.
now aside from all that, git yer fanny down here. don't you know it's acl
fest this weekend?
and can i get some video of you pissin in the holy water?

6) Me:
It should be on youtube any day now.
Just remember when you search use these specific words: Holy water pee-pee debacle.
Using the words pissed off Baptists brings up way too many hits and usually is just full of records and book they have burned or Methodist name calling.