No Respect For Toby

(Ishat wasn't around, so I figured I would write a blog. Thus continues the circle of life or Simba save me or whatever.)

I'm sure you've heard the saying or caught the bumper stickers stating "Every time you see a rainbow God is having gay sex."
Which first off, that's got to be awesome for whatever sassy Sammy he's got pinned in a pay toilet or assmashed in a dark alley. I mean think of it, you're young, gay and having a normal Thursday by taking it in the tookus for a smoothie when WHAMMY you're getting it like you could never have ever wished or dreamed. You can't even finish that banana coconut drink delight as usual cause the bathroom's filled with a blinding golden light, it feels like an industrial cloud covered jackhammer is splitting your rectum. Of course a God type dude is going to have some kind of massive, but yet tender johnson. And those 7-9 glorious hours later when he decides to deliver his true heavenly message, techno accompanied electronic angels in leather appear and sing while molten gold explodes from your eyes and ears and before your body collapses into an unidentifiable heap you see a rainbow. Oh joy.
Okay, so the fellas get all that bliss and that rainbow thing cause that God guy likes the meat conventions, so what in the hell did the Virgin Mary see when she got with child? God's straight little brother Toby that's who. D&D geek, Babylon 2 fan and forever living in their dad Mongo's basement, Toby was destined to be a virgin for life. So when Mongo wanted a grandson to deal with those uppity Romans and smartass Jews he ordered God to, in his own words "Let loose the family steeds." Of course Mongo had no idea his oldest had been smoking the pole since the last of the dinosaurs. In steps Toby.
Toby actually ended up picking the wrong gal. Instead of forcing himself upon a kingly woman of his father's choosing he picked a barmaid from the local tavern called The Immaculate Conception. This place of choosing led to much scholarly confusion down the road. Toby would've had actually come through this unscathed and maybe even ready for more if not for the barmaids insistence that her husband get to watch and then join in...fifteen times. This part was the most interested his brother became about the entire evening or Toby's life for that matter. And blah blah blah the two moved around yada yada yada manger afterbirth so on so on strangers and animals drunkenly watching and so forth.
So Jesus Christ, as he was named, the son of Toby, nephew of God, Grandson of Mongo had to do some carpentry, public speaking, and healing of the sick before being killed or misplaced, it's all kinda sketchy. Just due to a couple of lame brothers.
Instead of the future Mongo had ordained for him by becoming a great Emperor of the world and cleansing Europe of the white menace, of course all after his 100 years of blood mother fuck ass terror with bestial mutilation and rainbow eradication.
After failing completely both Toby and Mongo become depressed and despondent. God being a turd tapping jackass and not wanting to stop listened to his dog groomer Serge and had them relocated to another planet and later trapped them there. He named it Uranus and then had it surrounded with multi-colored pleasure rings or rectal rainbows as Serge joked before God cast him out and renamed him Lucifer. That's where the gay legends come from of looking and seeing the men trapped in Uranus.

Or at least I think so. I read all this on a placemat and couple of matchbooks at a Shoneys. The guy coming out of the bathroom with mayo on his chin and forehead said it was all true, so good enough for me.

PS - Their mayo is awfully salty...